The post, and the comments, made me marvel once again at how sexually repressive society is. Take this:
"Is it dishonest not to tell someone a deep dark secret like being submissive just because you’re worried that she’ll leave you?"
or this:
"...some people don't realize who they are sexually till they are 40"
Currently, the social consequences of being outed as kinky are so punitive that people quite reasonably choose to repress a huge part of their sexuality rather than face those consequences. This is not unlike the way the LGBT community was treated not so long ago; but whereas society has made some decent strides in the way that it treats the LGBT community, BDSM remains as much maligned as ever. What's the big difference between the two communities? IMHO, it's the LGBT community's steadfast unwillingness to remain silent and in the shadows. They have just been braver than we have been.
So here's what I'd ask of all of us kinky pervs: The next time anything BDSM-related comes up in conversation with your vanilla friends, make a point to discuss it calmly and objectively. Talk about it as a reasonable choice, and as no big deal. It's fine to seem knowledgeable about it--you're not confessing to your own kinks, you're just explaining that you understand how other normal, sane, responsible people might enjoy it. After all, it's about control: giving it up can be tremendously freeing, whereas taking it can be hugely empowering, so much so that you get a rush.
I personally talk about it the same way I discuss any statement of reality, as in, "Some people find pain to be very erotic." No "I know, isn't it weird/creepy!" inflections--I'm just stating a plain, nonjudgmental fact of life. It seems to help--my friends went from scandalized and titillated to calmly discussing BDSM in the space of one conversation.
Has anyone else had good experiences when discussing BDSM with vanilla types? Let's hear them in the comments.
So here's what I'd ask of all of us kinky pervs: The next time anything BDSM-related comes up in conversation with your vanilla friends, make a point to discuss it calmly and objectively. Talk about it as a reasonable choice, and as no big deal. It's fine to seem knowledgeable about it--you're not confessing to your own kinks, you're just explaining that you understand how other normal, sane, responsible people might enjoy it. After all, it's about control: giving it up can be tremendously freeing, whereas taking it can be hugely empowering, so much so that you get a rush.
I personally talk about it the same way I discuss any statement of reality, as in, "Some people find pain to be very erotic." No "I know, isn't it weird/creepy!" inflections--I'm just stating a plain, nonjudgmental fact of life. It seems to help--my friends went from scandalized and titillated to calmly discussing BDSM in the space of one conversation.
Has anyone else had good experiences when discussing BDSM with vanilla types? Let's hear them in the comments.
3 comments:
Dear Ms Sadiste,
There is no such thing as a totally vanilla or straight person and anyone who tries to convince others he/she is 100% normal is a liar or deluded.
In every relationship there is one person who will be dominant and another submissive. The question is to what degree, just as no person is free from a certain amount of deviation from the "norm" and in my 73 years I have learned that the ones who act as if they are "perfect" turn out to be the biggest pervs of all.
Hmmm, yes, you seem to have caught me using my own personal definition of "normal." You see, when I was a teen, it occurred to me that all the people I'd thought were normal were each actually just hiding the parts of themselves that didn't conform to the societal idea of "normal." So from that point on, I've worked on the assumption that truly normal people (in the sense of being average) are the ones that can mostly fit into polite society, but that have a healthy dose of against-the-norm characteristics (which might include any range of kinkiness, psychological disorders, or whatever else you can think of).
I guess that's really what I hope to get across to people... that often what society judges to be flaws are, in fact, very normal. Most kinky folk, IMHO, should feel very comfortable in considering themselves normal.
I'd estimate 95% of my BDSM conversations have been with "vanilla" people. Usually observe the same progression you did.
Don't foresee BDSM kinksters ever being viewed as the LG community is now in SOME places.
I'm not sure that kink is as intrinsic generally to kinksters as being gay is to gays. It definately is NOT in my individual case.
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