So you've found a dominant woman (I mean one who knows she's sexually dominant, not just one who's a bossy bitch in her vanilla life). You've had a conversation with her (but preferably more than one) that went well enough that a) you're pretty sure you didn't creep her out and b) she'd probably be willing to call you a friend. Hopefully you two found some common ground aside from compatible kinks. Even better, maybe you made her laugh (and not at something you weren't meaning to be funny).
How do you let her know you're interested in being more than a friend? How do you indicate that you're eagerly awaiting her command?
Drop to your knees before her in a coffeehouse? No. Do not do anything that has the potential to out her as kinky in a public place. (That's probably really obvious to most of you, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.)
Bend over at every opportunity so that she'll be reminded of spanking? No. That's just awkward. Besides, if she's interested, I guarantee that she's already checked out your ass more than once. You just didn't notice her doing it because she was being subtle.
So what do you do?
In the clubs and public playspaces, signaling interest is actually pretty easy. Most regulars in the BDSM community know that complimenting a player's technique is often a subtle (and nicely not-pushy) way of saying that you'd be interested in playing with that person... just make sure you're not interrupting a scene to drop your compliment! You can even use this as a means to create an introduction for yourself with women you don't know yet. This is especially great because it's sincere flattery, which means that you're starting a conversation with the person on a positive note. It could be as simple an opener as "I saw your flogging scene earlier and I really liked your technique." Granted, not everyone knows this code, but it's pretty damn common.
One on one, it's a little harder and, yes, probably riskier to your self-esteem, too. But if we're talking about that dominant woman that you've already become friends with but who has not yet begun giving you dominant signals, there might be no other choice.
Right off the bat, I'd suggest you go read the two posts on flirting at Todger Talk (here and here). Good stuff. Learn to recognize signals that you might have missed in the past. Learn to drop subtle comments that indicate your submissiveness. Learn how to flirt without words, e.g., using your eyes. One of the things that—at least to me—says "submissive and interested" loud and clear, is when a man uses his eyes the way a woman might. Keep eye contact for longer than usual, with slow, shy looks downward. If you can manage a blush, so much the better. So long as they don't lose their ability to hold conversations, bashful boys are the ones that most make me want to push and hunt and stalk. (Granted, this is a personal preference. Ladies, would you like to weigh in with your own preferences in the comments?)
Okay, so what if you're flirting your ass off, and she doesn't seem to be taking the bait? There's two possibilities here. First, she might not be interested in you as a submissive—but let's not assume that just yet. Second, it's entirely possible that she's not so great at picking up signals, so this might be a good time to try a more direct—but still polite and not sexually explicit—approach. I suggest something along the lines of this:
First you say, "Can I ask you something?" This is inherently submissive, so I like it right off the bat. Being a little nervous with it is good, too.
Then you wait for her permission to ask your question. This is important. You're reinforcing your submissiveness, but more than that, the significant pause you take here says to her that the upcoming question is both very important and very personal, and that you are expecting her to treat it as such. (If she answers with a flippant comment, it's probably a good bet that she's not interested in dominating you—and you're probably better off anyway. Anyone who doesn't treat your emotional well-being with respect can't be trusted to be a responsible dominant.)
When she gives her permission, you shyly say, "I'd really like to offer you my service/submission, but I'm not sure how." This is nice for the dominant woman because if she's interested, she can now tell you how she would like you to proceed. On the other hand, if she needs to turn you down, you've framed it as a kind of I'm not asking you yet, but how would you respond if I did? (Okay, okay, I know that for the man doing the asking, you essentially just did put it all on the line and ask to give her your service, with all the vulnerability that entails; so don't think I don't understand how much this might totally suck for you. But the point here is that you're doing her the favor of giving her an emotional out, because a distressing percentage of women feel really uncomfortable saying no to men. In fact, lots of women have a hard time saying "no" to anyone; we're socialized to be agreeable and accommodating. And if you're a friend, I can virtually guarantee that she's going to feel shitty about having to say no.)
But let's say you took your courage in hand and got through this conversation despite the risk. At this point you're either well on your way to negotiating a blissful submission scene, or she is trying to let you down gently.
So let's talk worst case scenario—she's not interested in dominating you, for whatever reason, and she just wants you as a friend. Should you take it personally? Probably not. Does she owe you an explanation as to why she doesn't want you for her sub? No. Is it okay to show her that you're disappointed? Yes, up to a point, but...
You should make every effort to handle the rejection gracefully, because this is where many men make a huge mistake. In their disappointment, they think that they can't handle (or maybe don't want to bother) just being her friend if they can't also be her submissive. The problem with this sort of thinking is that good dommes are very valuable resources as friends. Dommes talk to each other, and they refer good available submissives to each other. Personal references are really important to a lot of dommes; we want to know who else you know and what they think of you. So even if this one woman is not ready to snap you up, being a good person and a good friend to her will make it that much more likely that she will use her personal network of BDSM friends to hook you up somewhere down the line. Who knows? She just might be the temporary caretaker of your very own happy ending.
Whew! That was intense, eh? I can't wait to hear what everyone has to say on the subject. Ready... set... comment!
How do you let her know you're interested in being more than a friend? How do you indicate that you're eagerly awaiting her command?
Drop to your knees before her in a coffeehouse? No. Do not do anything that has the potential to out her as kinky in a public place. (That's probably really obvious to most of you, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.)
Bend over at every opportunity so that she'll be reminded of spanking? No. That's just awkward. Besides, if she's interested, I guarantee that she's already checked out your ass more than once. You just didn't notice her doing it because she was being subtle.
So what do you do?
In the clubs and public playspaces, signaling interest is actually pretty easy. Most regulars in the BDSM community know that complimenting a player's technique is often a subtle (and nicely not-pushy) way of saying that you'd be interested in playing with that person... just make sure you're not interrupting a scene to drop your compliment! You can even use this as a means to create an introduction for yourself with women you don't know yet. This is especially great because it's sincere flattery, which means that you're starting a conversation with the person on a positive note. It could be as simple an opener as "I saw your flogging scene earlier and I really liked your technique." Granted, not everyone knows this code, but it's pretty damn common.
One on one, it's a little harder and, yes, probably riskier to your self-esteem, too. But if we're talking about that dominant woman that you've already become friends with but who has not yet begun giving you dominant signals, there might be no other choice.
Right off the bat, I'd suggest you go read the two posts on flirting at Todger Talk (here and here). Good stuff. Learn to recognize signals that you might have missed in the past. Learn to drop subtle comments that indicate your submissiveness. Learn how to flirt without words, e.g., using your eyes. One of the things that—at least to me—says "submissive and interested" loud and clear, is when a man uses his eyes the way a woman might. Keep eye contact for longer than usual, with slow, shy looks downward. If you can manage a blush, so much the better. So long as they don't lose their ability to hold conversations, bashful boys are the ones that most make me want to push and hunt and stalk. (Granted, this is a personal preference. Ladies, would you like to weigh in with your own preferences in the comments?)
Okay, so what if you're flirting your ass off, and she doesn't seem to be taking the bait? There's two possibilities here. First, she might not be interested in you as a submissive—but let's not assume that just yet. Second, it's entirely possible that she's not so great at picking up signals, so this might be a good time to try a more direct—but still polite and not sexually explicit—approach. I suggest something along the lines of this:
First you say, "Can I ask you something?" This is inherently submissive, so I like it right off the bat. Being a little nervous with it is good, too.
Then you wait for her permission to ask your question. This is important. You're reinforcing your submissiveness, but more than that, the significant pause you take here says to her that the upcoming question is both very important and very personal, and that you are expecting her to treat it as such. (If she answers with a flippant comment, it's probably a good bet that she's not interested in dominating you—and you're probably better off anyway. Anyone who doesn't treat your emotional well-being with respect can't be trusted to be a responsible dominant.)
When she gives her permission, you shyly say, "I'd really like to offer you my service/submission, but I'm not sure how." This is nice for the dominant woman because if she's interested, she can now tell you how she would like you to proceed. On the other hand, if she needs to turn you down, you've framed it as a kind of I'm not asking you yet, but how would you respond if I did? (Okay, okay, I know that for the man doing the asking, you essentially just did put it all on the line and ask to give her your service, with all the vulnerability that entails; so don't think I don't understand how much this might totally suck for you. But the point here is that you're doing her the favor of giving her an emotional out, because a distressing percentage of women feel really uncomfortable saying no to men. In fact, lots of women have a hard time saying "no" to anyone; we're socialized to be agreeable and accommodating. And if you're a friend, I can virtually guarantee that she's going to feel shitty about having to say no.)
But let's say you took your courage in hand and got through this conversation despite the risk. At this point you're either well on your way to negotiating a blissful submission scene, or she is trying to let you down gently.
So let's talk worst case scenario—she's not interested in dominating you, for whatever reason, and she just wants you as a friend. Should you take it personally? Probably not. Does she owe you an explanation as to why she doesn't want you for her sub? No. Is it okay to show her that you're disappointed? Yes, up to a point, but...
You should make every effort to handle the rejection gracefully, because this is where many men make a huge mistake. In their disappointment, they think that they can't handle (or maybe don't want to bother) just being her friend if they can't also be her submissive. The problem with this sort of thinking is that good dommes are very valuable resources as friends. Dommes talk to each other, and they refer good available submissives to each other. Personal references are really important to a lot of dommes; we want to know who else you know and what they think of you. So even if this one woman is not ready to snap you up, being a good person and a good friend to her will make it that much more likely that she will use her personal network of BDSM friends to hook you up somewhere down the line. Who knows? She just might be the temporary caretaker of your very own happy ending.
Whew! That was intense, eh? I can't wait to hear what everyone has to say on the subject. Ready... set... comment!
3 comments:
Thank you for this.
Reading it and taking it in is one thing.
Putting it into practice is a whole different matter:)
Sadiste:
You have graciously described how a slave might let a dominant woman know he’s submissive and available to her. Something on which axe and i have swapped posts.
A little further along in a relationship a different sort of issue arises. Presumably, with a dominant male and submissive female, their respective roles are extensions of vanilla life.
BUT with a dominant woman and submissive male, their innate desires are inverted from vanilla like. Specifically, a lady likes to be courted and may prefer that a male call her, issue invitations, initiate activities. But when she has him alone, she may at her preference decide to take control.
The submissive male has an extra challenge here, staying alert, intuiting just when he should step up and manage things, and knowing on the other hand when she prefers to take the reins–without her having to actually say so.
That’s the sort of tricky situation i tried to ask about before.
jon
There is some good general information in this post, so thanks for sharing this. But it strikes me, I guess as strange, from reading the two comments, that there seems to be so much confusion regarding how to approach a Dominant Woman. I liked what Sadiste says regarding opening a conversation with a Woman with a simple, "May I ask you..." type of lead-in. This emphasizes the idea of attempting to approach a Woman on HER OWN TERMS. THAT is the KEY, so it seems to me. So, to Jon, (and others) I would suggest, when you are unsure of exactly how a Woman wants to be approached or what exactly she wants in that moment, DO NOT risk incurring her wrath with your own attempts at intuiting her desires...ASK HER. Just plainly and simply ask her. It truly is as simple as that.
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